20 Things you need to share with your middle school / high school child:

I saw this on a friend's Facebook page, and I felt I had to share it here... 

1. Yes, your freshman year counts towards your GPA for college entrance. Screw it up and you’ll work for crap wages your whole life.

2. No means NO. In every possible circumstance.

3. Join every sport, every club, every after school activity no matter what the cost. It’s cheaper than bail.

4. Repeat after me: I am never in that much of a hurry…I am never in that much of a hurry. Now say that every time you get behind the wheel. It will save your life and that of your best friend in the seat next to you.

5. Don’t smoke pot. It ruins your short term memory. (Did I already say that?)

6. Don’t ever get a credit card. Ever. You earn it or you live without it.

7. If I yell at you, it’s because I love you. And also, because you pissed me off. To avoid the latter, stop being an idiot.

8. Make a vivid picture inside your head of every great moment of your childhood. You’ll need those to get through adulthood.

9. Make snow angels as often as possible.

10. Stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves.

11. Be always benevolent. Yes, that’s a word. Look it up.

12. Call me for a ride even if you are so drunk you barely know my number. I’ll probably be mad for a while but I’ll respect you for calling and I won’t kill you. Riding with someone who is drinking will.

13. Be a leader, not a follower. Unless you are doing stupid things, then follow the kid with the highest GPA.

14. Love your siblings, even when you don’t like them. Some day you will be trying to get them to take care of me in my old age. If they are mad at you, you are stuck with me.

15. I’ve been there, done that on more things than you can imagine. I’m not stupid and I know what you are doing. I was once you (times ten).

16. Work hard at everything you do. Anything worth doing is worth doing your best at.

17. Cover it. (Enough said.)

18. When I tell you to clean your room, do not point at my messy room and raise your eyebrows. I’m trying to raise you to be better than me.

19. Learn to type; to budget; and to pray. All are equally important.

20. Never be sedentary. Some day soon you will no longer be able to move like that. Enjoy it.

Love

It's got to be THE hardest word to define... with words.

With as many "failed" relationships as I've had over the years, I've often wondered if I even know what it means.

Then I look at my children...

Christian on Career Day

...and I know I've got it figured out.

My Gabi Girl

Get To It, Mickey!

I am convinced that these people who "ask" me to do things for them have never done a spot of manual labor... in. their. lives.

Clearly, they think I snap my fingers and things hop to it as if I was a mouse in an oversized red robe ordering brooms and buckets o' water around.


No, readers.

I am not said mouse.

But it would sure be ah-mazing if I could snap my fingers and things just be done.

{now where did I leave my pointy cap??}

Ms. Mia Chambers

I am HIGHLY disappointed that my daughter and I were completely blown off at the MAC counter by Ms. Mia Chambers last night when I tried to take her to have her makeup done for her birthday - even after I reassured shim TWICE that I know how much MAC costs and I had planned on making a purchase.

"I think you'd do better over at Clinique."

Um.

Seriously??

I went ahead and took her to the Clinique counter, where she didn't get the "fun" makeover she wanted, b/c they don't have the vibrant colors and style that MAC has... Gabi's makeup ended up being pretty and all that (at Clinique), but the gal didn't do what Gabi was asking... She wanted vibrant/funky colors.

It's not like I was getting her set up on a skin regimen (which the Clinique lady was totally trying to push) and regular daily wear makeup... She's only 8 for crying out loud!! Gabi wanted something like, blue and purple eyeshadow with bright lipstick for FUN.

Update:  Just talked with the assistant manager, and my girl has an appointment set to have her FUN makeover at MAC {done just the way she wanted} next Thursday! :) She's gong to be so excited!! I can't wait to tell her!

Update2:  The assistant manager did my girl's makeup... just the way she wanted! She mixed a bright lime green with some hot pink (to match Gabi's outfit) for the shadow, then brushed on some even BRIGHTER pink lipstick and blush. heehee

Gabi prolly looked a bit like a hooker going to work... but it was FUN, and she loved feeling all dolled up for her birthday (even if it was a week later).

There I Go Again

It's been over a month, and I haven't come up with ONE clever/witty/enticing/boring thing to say??

That's definitely not it.

I've just been crammed full of things to do: photoshoots, weddings, kids, real job, vacations, family reunions, etc. etc.

It's all just too time consuming!

And I really don't have time to be blogging now, as I type...

But I did want to get on here and wish my girl the happiest 8th birthday ever!!

Her birthday was yesterday {we took over the hibachi restaurant}, and the excitement continues today {she and her bff "school sister" will be going to get makeovers}!!

Off I go....

Tah Tah

Painting EXTRAVAGANZA!!

Last weekend my new {& wonderful} friends came over for a Painting EXTRAVAGANZA.

- yes, that word MUST be in ALL CAPS, as I feel like it must be SHOUTED any time it's used -

So back to the EXTRAVAGANZA:

Mitra, Mina, Lil & B joined Gabi, Christian & I for some painting fun. We decided on a fish theme, in hopes that everyone (even our Boy) could get into it. I was attempting to make it like an Easely Amused / Cocktails & Canvas class (minus the cocktails... kiddos were present), but I customized each piece for the individual artist(s) with his/her initial. 

I don't think I succeeded, though. 

I ended up taking too long to draw everyone's letter and koi (our chosen fish), and my class got hungry.

On top of that, I think I made the pictures too difficult for the lil' ones, as they were pretty much over it after the background color was painted. They retreated to the den to watch Beetle Juice while the "grownups" stayed and painted. 

All & All, though... I loved it, and I think the kids' paintings turned out so cute!!

StarYUCKS!!

It's tough being the second pickiest person in the world {second, only to my child, who is the reigning champ}.

You see, ladies & gentlemen of the blogger... This is what happens when I decide to venture out and try new things:

I thought I'd give Starbucks' frappuccino in a bottle a go, since I ADORE their mocha fraps (with no whip) at Barnes & Noble so much - and because the lady in the McDonald's drive through now recognizes me and commented yesterday that I must "really LOVE those mocha fraps". And, what the hey, I'll even save a dollar!

But, No. I did not save a dollar. I ended up wasting $2.02!

YUCK! Not only did this bottle of cold crappuccino taste bad, it even SMELLED bad!!

You have failed me, Starbucks.

Ask & Ye Shall Receive

I was complaining to my friend this morning how I practically melted last night, it was so freakin HOT!! in our house.

I went on to complain about how HOT!! it is in general - and How on Earth am I going to make it through the summer??

Ask & Ye Shall Receive, I tell ya...

I have to have THE coldest office in the world! {I might be exaggerating slightly} I know I have the coldest office in my building, and the guys at work (who are doing more physical exertion than I on any given day) crank that AC up just about as cold as it can get. This means that I feel like I'm sitting in a refrigerator all day.

Are you getting the mental image I'm portraying here?

Brrrrr! It's cold in here!

Thank You!

I finally got someone on the phone who doesn't hate their life or their job... Far too often am I "greeted" by these miserable souls who don't have an ounce of kindness left in them. And for them, I wish that today doesn't suck.

The end.

Proud Momma

My son just melts my heart... I tell ya, I look into those big brown eyes, and I know I've already lost!

He had his Awards Day yesterday, and (of course) I teared up... I'm just so proud of the little man he's becoming!!

I was glad they were giving each child a certificate of completion for Kindergarten {no one would feel left out} - but then my boy got an additional award for Art. Love it! How fitting is that in this family?!. 

Today is my daughter's big day (Awards). Her teacher has already told me she recommends she be in the gifted program, so I'm sort of expecting she will get an award of some sort. It would break my heart is she didn't get anything... but it would also tug on the ole heartstrings if she receives more awards than her brother. Is it wrong of me to wish for her to get the same number of awards?? 

I fear this will always be a struggle for me... I want so badly for everything to be "fair" and even with them - which, no, I'm not naive enough to think life will actually work out that way. I realize it's beyond my control.

I know they both have their own strengths. It just kills me when they say things like, "I'm not smart like Gabi" - which my son told me the other day. {tug} I reminded him that he's only in Kindergarten and he's still learning - plus, Little Miss Know It All has two years of school on him.

That didn't seem to help his self-esteem much... but I don't really know what will. I hope receiving an Art Award will push him to develop his creativity (yes, I know, he's only 6).

Let me interject: I don't want to be one of "those" moms either... living through my child. Creativity and The Arts have just always been a big part of our family.

At any rate, I'm a proud momma, and I have some amazing angels in my life!

Update: The Goob got two awards, as well. {whew}

idiot

I had intended on writing a completely different rant, but when in the moment: What do you do??

What

do

you

do

?

When I say I'm over people, I don't mean I'm over EVERYONE - just ignorant people. And, yes, I'm using my own personal definition of the word as my guide.

And, for the record, if you think this post is about You, then odds are, you're probably right. 

No, you may not have been what fueled it this time... But there's a good chance you have in the past (or you will in the future). And you probably need someone to tell you that you're an idiot, too. 

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

I'm actually doing you a favor. I mean, how on Earth will you know otherwise?? 

Everyone else has probably told you your whole life that you're right - or has at least appeased your way of thinking, in turn making you think you have a clue in your brain. 

But I'm here to tell you... You don't.

And, no, I can't tell you why you're an idiot. I'd like to throw out a "I guess you were just born that way" - but that's probably not true. Not completely. 

It's not your fault. I don't blame you - not for that, at least.

I'm sure it has been ingrained in you your whole life, and you know no different. What I do "blame" you for (for lack of a better word) is continuing to be ignorant.

idiot.

If I have to pretend I fit into the small-minded mold that is You in order to gain your friendship, then I feel for you... Deep inside, yours must truly be a lonely soul. Because no one - NO ONE - will ever be enough to enrich your life. Not your spouse. Not your children. Not even your own mother. There isn't one single being that believes exactly as you do, but you would rather close the door on anything that is "different" than exhaust yourself by seeing the good.

I realize it's a daunting task to step outside Yourself and find value in those that were not cloned from your essence. Like I said, you were probably conditioned Not To.

Just know that in barricading yourself, we all lose. 

Religion & Politics : Can't Talk About That

I'm sure I'm considered Anti-American for not wanting to celebrate the death of another soul; however, it's the {generalizing here} typical American mindset that I'm against. I don't think being an American makes me superior to anyone, any more than I think being a particular color or faith does.

Yes, I'm grateful for the freedom that has been afforded me and the intention of those that lost their lives in the pursuit of that freedom. Do I condone the methods in which it was brought about, though? No.

[You] want to preach at me:  Explain to me how hatred and violence are going to end hatred and violence...?

I'm all ears and eyes.

{crickets}

"Hate begets hate; violence begets violence; toughness begets a greater toughness. We must meet the forces of hate with the power of love...Our aim must never be to defeat or humiliate..., but to win his friendship and understanding." — Martin Luther King, Jr.

I know MLKJ wasn't speaking about terrorism - at least not in the same sense - but I believe these words are applicable.

What do people presume will happen now? America has shown its power and terrorists everywhere will bow down at "our" feet? Sounds unlikely to me.

I also find it ironic that the same people who were posting "He is risen" as their status update on Easter morning are the same ones posting "YAY! he is dead" today. This way of thinking only reaffirms my aversion of and belief that religion is becoming (and/or probably has been) more and more of a "Do as I Say; Not as I Do" doctrine.

I really hope that spiritual/religious leaders will remind their congregations of their convictions this week.

Straight Talk

 (Source: justanotherwannabeclassic
by way of Cast Down the E!)

♥

So I saw this postcard almost a year ago.

Bought it.

But never gave it to anyone...

I love my children and my family that much - so much that I could squish them {which, as we all know, is A LOT}. But I just bought the one. I don't have enough to give one to each of them. At the time, I suppose I wished someone had given it to me...

{sigh}

One day, maybe.

You're a Jerk

I just ♥ cops... Especially the one this morning that was giving me forceful hand gestures while yelling at my car to "COME ON!" without looking behind himself to see that there were cars in my path... Thanks, ya jerk.

And there's the lady who directs traffic by my daughter's school every morning: She's always givin me (and everyone else - it's not like I think she's singling me out or anything - I'm not that paranoid) and being all forceful with her hand gestures. What is it with these people?? You give 'em a little power and they think they rule the world!

There was also the impatient ahole behind me at a light this morning that honked because I didn't floor it when the light turned green. Really, ya jerk?? Give me a minute for my brain to register that the light even turned, and then I can apply pressure to the pedal.

To all these *Morning People* : 

Gimme A Break

"Gimme a break... Gimme a break... Break me off a piece of that KIT! KAT! BAR!"

Okay. Totally not where I intended to go with this, but my mind does that {frequently}... I hear/say/think a word and then BAM! A jingle or phrase pops in there and takes off in another direction entirely!

No, what I meant was: an actual break. I need a break. I'm just about exhausted - yes, with people, in general. But also physically, emotionally, mentally... (is there another "-ally" I'm missing??) 

And I say this next bit at risk of sounding like I'm approaching 100:  I swear, it seems like the older I get, the faster time is moving. The days go by quicker, and I don't even remember when April got here - and already it's the 20th??!! 

I've not even hit 30, and already I am a granny... 

I go to bed when my kiddos do {somewhere between 8 and 9 - though I'd prefer even earlier}. I crochet and sew. I don't really go out or get into much, 'cept "my stories" {which I rarely get to catch b/c I'm busy chasing youngins and going to bed before it's good and dark out}. My idea of a nice time is relaxing and watching movies or working on some artsy trade. I don't do sunbathing - or sunanything, really. Yeah, I'm pretty much anti-sun {I'm a redhead; I have a good excuse}. I'm irritable with people and their "opinions" more and more lately {not sure if that's the red hair or the age}.

But.

I don't *willingly* get up at 5AM, though. When I start that bit, I think I'll just go ahead and dye my hair grey and call it a Life! 

You You You & Yours

I am exhausted with seeing / hearing people preach how they're right and everyone else is wrong. Yes, I get it... 

*Your* way is better than the rest of the WORLD'S. 

*You* are smarter than a fifth grader AND everyone else on the planet. 

*Your* religion MUST be THE way. 

*Your* political opinions would finally bring about world peace. 

*You* have all the answers.

The world does in fact revolve around YOU.

Glad we cleared that up.

...moving on...

It's Raining, It's Pouring

No, really... It is. It's all thunderstorms and tornadoes outside. *eek*

I don't really have all that much to say, but I thought I'd at least make the effort to get on here and say "something" - I mean, with the following I have and all... I'd hate to let down my reader(s).

So... that being said...

I don't have much else to say.

Except:

I love my babies with all my heart! You two are my most favorite people in the whole... EVERYTHING!!

I Pledge Allegiance

"PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL! MY GENERATION GREW UP RECITING THIS EVERY MORNING IN SCHOOL WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART. THEY NO LONGER DO THAT FOR FEAR OF OFFENDING SOMEONE! LET'S SEE HOW MANY AMERICANS WILL RE-POST THIS & NOT CARE ABOUT OFFENDING ANYONE"

Each time I see this (or something similar) reposted on Facebook, I cringe a little bit. My heart grieves at the irony... When you are saying / supporting / spreading negativities "in the name of God", some soul searching and reevaluation are in order. 

awk·ward

This morning, the Goob asked me if she looked pretty in her new blue dress she picked out for Spring Pictures Day.

Moi:  "Of course you do! You'd look gorgeous in anything."

Goob:  "Even garbage??"

Moi:  "Yep."

Goob:  "Even if I was DEAD?"

Moi:  "Don't say that... Why do you say that?"

Goob:  "I'm just sayin - like - if I was bones... Do you think I'd look pretty then?"

Moi:  "Yes, Gabi, even then."

[pause]

Goob:  "Awk·ward...."

Moi:  [laughing] "Is that your favorite word??"

Goob:  "Yep."

I Think I May Have Over-Stuffed My Monkey

My cousin, Julie, has gotten me HOOKED on sock monkeys! She posted some pics of her latest creations, and I fell in love immediately. I tell ya, I have THE most creative family ever...!!

I started my own sock monkey last night. I kinda wish I had taken pictures of the process to share with you here (mostly so I'd have more photos to post) - but, alas, I did not. I did take this one pic with my camera phone:

He's not quite finished, yet. I think I may have over-stuffed my monkey, as I ran out of stuffin just after filling his torso and thunder thighs. 

//I can't believe my monkey has cellulite//

I chose to do a (mostly) all white monkey, because I don't think I've ever seen an all white one before. This one will have a buddy soon in opposite, coordinating colors. I've already pre-cut all the pieces. Once I get some more stuffin, it's on!

Quick & Mini

Once again I've let my blogging responsibilities slack, so I thought I'd get on here and give my millions of readers a quick n mini update on things:

1. I made it through the THREE dance classes I was to sub - not without my usual 2-day post aches and pains - but it was fun! I had "I Look Good" stuck in my head for days... (and now I do again)

2. I just booked my 2nd wedding! YAY!! I'm shooting a lovely lass I've known for many years and meeting her hubbie-to-be on the 26th for their engagement shoot. I can't wait to share what we come up with!!

3. FOTY is still being just that: Father of the Year. I don't want to devote too much energy to it, but he and his family are ri·dic·u·lous. I saw his charming sister out at Chick-fil-a, feeding HER children junk... *gasp* The kids all spoke to one another, and she avoided eye contact with me.

4. One of my only friends from the ATL just text me to tell me her beloved proposed!! Congrats, B! {I foresee travel and another wedding in my future ;) }

5. I'm getting back into my painting & crochet'ing <--- I can't type that word properly without thinking of "shitting" / I don't know. Don't ask.

6. I'm still single and lovin it. Sure, there are those moments when I long for someone to dote on me... but then I remember I'd rather the universe send Mr. Right into my life, rather than settling for Mr. Conveniently Right Now.

7. I don't really have a Seven, but it's my favorite number, and as such, should be included.

OH. MY. KANKLES.

{{Sidenote: OMG is so yesterday, so why not just pick any ole thing to "Oh My"... and *kankles* is a funny word. Go on, try it. Say "Oh My Kankles!!" You giggled inside a lil' bit, didn't you?}}

OMK!

What have I done gotten myself into??

I agreed to sub a couple of classes tonight - which I'm kinda excited about / kinda nervous about. I miss dance; it's one of my many passions. And the release you feel... indescribable. But I haven't danced since August/September... And even then, I just subbed a class. Before that, it'd been probably a year - maybe more. (who's counting?)

I don't even know what "the kids" are listening to these days... not that it matters, I guess. I just don't want them to be bored in my class.

Oh, and did I mention it's been a while since I've taught?

I FEEL SO OLD & OUT OF SHAPE!!

This ought to be interesting...

Everything's Okay, But...

THAT is how the lady with my children's afterschool care program should have started her conversation with me on the phone.

But, no.

She didn't.

THIS is how the conversation went, instead:

Moi: "Hello?"

RA: "Yeah... Is this.... uh! I don't even know who I'm calling for.... I guess... Lopez??"

Moi: "Yes. That's my children's last name."

RA: "Ok. This is 'so-n-so' with aftercare. for Gabriella."

[Right about here is where some reassurance that my children were okay should have taken place.]

RA: "Yeah, she... We... They need to be picked up by 4:30. We're shuttin' down."

Moi: "Oh.... Ok..."

RA: "Because of the weather. They need to be picked up."

Moi: "Oh. Okay. That's... That's fine... I was just starting to get a little worried there..." <--My hint that Rude Ass should have begun the convo a little differently.

RA: "Yeah. There isn't even a name listed here. Like for the parent..... Unless it's this... Camille.... Mow-something?"

Moi: "Yes. That's me. I'm their mother."

RA: "Oh. Well they need to be picked up by 4:30."

I'm not sure she made it clear.... What time do they need to be picked up???

Body Image

I am *ubber* excited right now (and I must be, because I never use the word "ubber" in my vocabulary, otherwise)...

I posted on my Facebook status that I want to do a photoshoot series titled "Body Image" and requested anyone interested in being one of my models send me a message.

Within SECONDS my inbox (and my phone) went nuts!! I had so many more people interested than I imagined would be!

And when I explained to them that this would be an "artsy" shoot - and not your average portrait session - they were STILL on board. Yay!!

I was inspired by an idea I threw by Ami at the end of our first 7SINS shoot we did a few weeks ago... She was already post makeup, and I just wanted to play around with the mirrors I had gotten for our first sin, Pride. Here's what sparked Body Image:

I think there are too many women out there who are so judgemental about their own bodies, and they don't see their beauty. I imagine we ALL have our "flaws" and bumps and scars we hide. No one is perfect... and that's where true perfection begins. Accepting who you are and loving every curve!

Also, there are vast numbers of girls/women out there who post these half naked photos of themselves on the internet, and that's All it looks like to me: That they're half naked. And it CAN be done in an artsy way, so it just kills me....

Why "model" in an itty bitty polk-a-dot bikini, standing there with your hands by your side & one knee popped??

Come on. You can do better.

And that photographer can do better.

Put some creativity in it, PLEASE!

Let's make some ART.

They Call Me Mellow Yellow

Lately I've been diggin' yellow... I have this bright yellow hat (that I picked up in Atlanta right before I moved back / maybe I've *been* diggin yellow) that I want to design a dress to go with. I have this pair of bright yellow faux gator skin looking heels that are pretty fabulous, too. And now, SMJ is going yellow... and black & white & grey (cause I'm all about the grayscale, too).

My yellow state of mind has added this selection to my internal soundtrack for today:

Go on and press play so you can groove properly as you take in the symbolism & psychology of the Mellow Yellow.....

Taken from Sensational Color - go there to read more...

Yellow shines with optimism, enlightenment, and happiness. Shades of golden yellow carry the promise of a positive future. Yellow will advance from surrounding colors and instill optimism and energy, as well as spark creative thoughts.

HOW THE COLOR YELLOW AFFECTS US PHYSICALLY

• Stimulates Mental Processes good.
• Stimulates the Nervous System good.
• Activates Memory extremely good... I'm not even 30, and I feel like I have Alzheimer's sometimes!
• Encourages Communication heck yeah! another good.

YELLOW: THE COLOR OF THE SOLAR PLEXUS CHAKRA

Yellow is the color of the Solar Plexus Chakra, also known as Manipura.

This chakra is located in the stomach area. It is linked to the stomach, liver, skin, large intestine, muscular system, and solar plexus area.

[Important Part:] The Solar Plexus Chakra is representative of vitality and will. When this chakra is open, it acts to empower a person and help them find their personal strength. It will help turn dreams and goals into reality.

Gemstones that will aid the SPC include amber and citrine.

PSYCHOLOGICALLY, Yellow is the happiest color in the color spectrum.

Yeah... They Call Me Mellow Yellow...

Why is it I only usually write when I have something negative to say??

For some reason, I only usually get on here and put the metaphorical pen to the paper when I'm fuming about something... I'm not quite sure why that is. I guess there just isn't a lot going on up there otherwise (which is really sad to admit).

Today, though, I have a treat for you! I wanted to post it on my Facebook (where else does one dispel greatly important information??), but I have some youngins I used to teach dance to on there (along with some of their parental units). So I turn to you. My loyal subjects... er... I mean, readers.

The treat is yet another blog that you need to follow. Honestly, I've only read one of his posts, but it was *THAT* good. Read for yourself:

Man-scaping 101

Men of the world, the straight ones, nobody wants to see your afro down below. Yes, I said it. You know that judgmental glare you cast when something offensive crosses your line of sight? How many times have you winced when a hunting buddy mixes his camouflage patterns? I know, right! It’s ridiculous. So, imagine what your potential sex partner thinks when you reveal the privet you’re sporting in your tighty whities. I’m not trying to be hurtful boys. We gays are taught about these things during our “conversion.” That and the mind-blowing “gay face.” Look, your mother probably never thought to suggest it. I’m sure it never crossed your father’s mind. Let’s face it, if people took the time to teach their boys to keep their peckers clean, God probably wouldn’t have given circumcision the go ahead. Seriously, how hard can it be? Much simpler than keeping a vagina clean, I’d think, but that’s just me. So, without further a due, here’s the long and short (pardon the pun) of grooming down under.

Never go at your bits without doing your homework.

The worst thing you can do is jump in without a plan. Look at yourself in a full length mirror and really think about what will flatter your man weasel. As with hairstyles, not everyone can pull off a faux-hawk or a mullet. conversely, not every crotch-style will work for you. Keep in mind the magic word: proportion. If you have a tiny penis, consider less pubic hair. If you’re well endowed, you should keep it simple and let the hammer make the statement.

Get some clippers

Wether or not you decide to remove errant hair or create shapes, you should shorten the crop.

It only takes your sex partner getting a “long and curly” caught in the molars once to quit going downtown. Forget what you’ve heard. Women won’t think you’re gay for keeping things up down there, any more than they’ll think you’re Jewish for having no foreskin. Just make a practice run on your leg hair before you take the hand-held bush hog to your private’s. And, for god’s sake, be careful not to get your nut sack caught in the blades. I almost bled out that way once, well, thrice.

To shave or not to shave

Going bare is a personal preference. If you feel good about it, then go for it. Keep in mind, though, that it usually only works for guys with zero percent body fat. Otherwise, you just end up looking like a really big toddler. You should, at the very least, shave the scrotum. If you decide to shave at all, remember to

trim first. Use clippers with a guard to knock back your pubes, then you can shave. This extends the life of the razor. Speaking of razors, The cheapest will do fine if, and only if, you take your time. The last thing you want to do is shave off a nut.

Caution: Hot Wax

Some men prefer being waxed as it prevents annoying stubble, as well as dingleberrys. Women have extauled the virtues of a good clean up using wax for decades. I have, on occasion, experienced the benefits of this procedure, but be warned, it’s not for the faint of heart. What you’ve heard is true. It is painful, but only for an instant. Just have a stiff drink, man up and bite down on a leather strap. Never try to wax yourself, though. I did it once and almost ripped off my ass hole.

It’s not called man-scaping for nothing

Here’s the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. What straight guy doesn’t appreciate what curb-appeal can do for real estate’s value? Cutting back an over grown yard makes the outdoor space seem more open, thus increasing the implied value, right? Similarly, knocking back the pubes will make your penis appear bigger. As will losing weight, but that’s another matter altogether.

Now go ahead and click the Add button to add him to your collection of funnies, because I foresee great things ahead: Eddie Outlaw

That is all.