Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Why Is It...

When I'm in my car (or out and about), I have all these thoughts in my head - "spilt milk" to complain about - and when I sit down at the ole laptop: nuthin.

I mean, I write the best stuff when I'm not actually in front of the computer to write it. Readable stuff, I tell you.

And coming back to it in my mind later... It just isn't the same. It's like old news to me, and I don't want to revisit.

I need to not think during the day (or whenever I'm sans laptop).


Monday, October 18, 2010

Sometimes You Just Gotta Blog It Out

"Seriously?" she says??


to my MOTHER??!!

I consider myself a fairly tolerant person - to a fault even. But when it comes to my family... I'm sorry. Just NO. One word is straw, and I'm done. I'm beyond over egotistical lumps of being who are not self aware - who must have been placed on this earth to test my patience (which I am severely lacking anyway). I know I should be saying, "thank you," for this lesson - and perhaps I will one day... But right now, I need to vent.

{{interject flashback scene}}

When I made the decision to partake in lesson # (I lost count) and remarry for the second time & up and move to Atlanta, I placed myself in a spiralling state of depression. [see how I took ownership there? be proud.]

I had moved away from all my family, friends, job... and ended up being dumped (for the most part) alone in a huge city with only my children (which is added responsibility and stress, considering I had zero help in raising them while there). Don't worry, I'm not going to get into the details of the failing marriage, but all of this didn't help the deteriorating friendship this post is about.

{{flashback within a flashback}}

My Former Friend was an amazing one... friend, that is. At one point. We were mutual friends of Husband#2, and we both happened to work at the hospital. It was a travesty if we missed our daily lunches together - that's how tight we were. She was just getting into her photography at the time, and I, being an artistic junkie, jumped right in as her daring model. We definitely had a time!

If I had to pin-point a starting point of our decline, I would say it was when I got my own "good" camera - which my Former Friend was quick to point out was an "amateur camera with Just a kit lens". [Gee... I have no idea why we didn't remain friends]

I remember pushing Former Friend to quit her "real" job and follow her passion. I recall the conversations as if they were yesterday: I raved about her work, recommended her to everyone that asked, and encouraged her all the way. And clearly, in doing so, heaved her onto that pedestal she so pompously sits upon now.

{{flashforward, back to Atlanta}}

The distance eroded the thread that was left binding our friendship. In an attempt to salvage it, I sent Former Friend a message via The Book. I told her how I felt we were becoming more and more like "FaceBook Friends" instead of actual friends. I explained how hurt I felt when I could see that she was commenting on everyone else's photos but never mine (cause The Book lets you do that, ya know). And, being a fellow photographer (and friend?), her opinion was one of the ones I wanted to hear the most. I told her I was trying to address the issue head on, instead of letting it fester inside, building resentment for something that perhaps she didn't even realize was happening.

All the while, in the back of my mind was playing, "How is it I am still encouraging her, yet she can't find the time or consideration to do the same for me??"

What was Former Friend's response to my message??

She turned it on ME! She snapped back how appauled she was that I would say such a thing; how hurt she was that I felt that way. Former Friend was just way too busy to comment on anyone's photos, not just mine. Lie. I pointed out that I could SEE her commenting on other friends' photos [Remember that whole "FaceBook lets you see others' activity"?? yeah... Just checking...] I got a "Maybe you should just tell me when you post something and you want me to comment on it."



some friend.


I got myself out of the spiral and moved back to MS. The awkwardness was still an elephant, but I tried to play it off as merely being in my head. I got in touch with Former Friend, hoping to find our way back to where we were before. I lent her a lot of my crochet hats etc. for a baby shoot she was getting ready to do as a sort of peace offering. [mistake / lesson]


Soon after I took some photos of my mother, who is a true artist, in every sense of the word. I used an idea I had told Former Friend over a year ago - something I wanted her to shoot of ME for my headshot on my art website. I notified Former Friend (as instructed) to take a look at my photography. She made a simple "I like." comment on one of the shots in the album.

And then one of her friends she actually likes commented, accusing me of stealing the idea from Former Friend. <----and, yes, she referred to her by her full name.

Well, my family is like me: You can do what you want to me, but don't treat my family wrong. And so started the battle of words and wit between Former Friend's friend, my brother, me, and my mother. Former Friend didn't comment further on the photo, except to defend her other friend from my brother's comments. She did, however, text me in private about it - to which I pointed out she obviously agreed that I stole my own idea from her, since she didn't defend her other friend, you know: ME.

I ended up deleting the whole mess, as I hated that a picture that was supposed to be a showcase of my work and my mother was being turned into a battlefield.

---- and that's where the friendship ended ----

{{present day}}

My mother took it upon herself to get the loaned crochet items back from Former Friend. She sent her a message or text requesting she drop them off at her house. It was back and forth about how Former Friend was too busy being above everyone else to come by and give back the items she borrowed - with a hint of my mother explaining, usually you are responsible for the return when you borrow something.

Finally Former Friend wrote to my mother:

"Seriously? Isn't it also the responsibility of the person they belong to answer emails and messages when the person who borrowed them tries to give them back? Instead of her mother contacting the person? Why don't you just have Camille contact me. We'll work it out."

Honestly, I thought with the current state of our un-friendship, a neutral party was more kosher than dredging up old laundry.... So much for that idea.

And, for the record, I had already tried to get my belongings back on my own. Former Friend was way to busy to meet me or return them. I was continually instructed to call and see when it was convenient for Former Friend to be at her house so I could go out of my way to come by there and collect them.


All that being said, I leave you with this:

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

- John Wooden

Granted, my character isn't crystal at this very moment, but I freely admit I'm constantly workin on that. Besides, sometimes you just gotta blog it out... and then let it go.