Part 2: So There's This Guy...

My Voice has been on full alert lately. I wish I could contribute this to some profound spiritual awakening (and maybe on some level it is), but the reality of it had me frozen in my bed the other night, as if I had seen a ghost.

And I use that comparison, because when I was a teenager, I swear with every fiber of my being that I saw a ghost.

[I know I'm getting off subject, but follow me on my sidetrack. I promise it's relevant.]

In the house we grew up in, our bedrooms were downstairs with the kitchen, 1 & 1/2 baths, and a small entry hall. Our parents' room, bathroom, and den were up.

The den was shaped like a rectangle, the tv opposite the couch on the two longer walls, with a fireplace on the left wall and three large sliding glass doors opening to a large balcony on the right. Either side of the tv was lined with built in shelves, home to books, movies, and other randomness. My stepdad's computer setup came to rest in front of the shelves on the right - your back to the glass wall, if you were sitting there.

For some reason I had fallen asleep on the couch... In the middle of the night I just awoke. I don't know if there was a sound or something, but I just woke up in the darkness, and when I looked over in the direction of my stepdad's computer, I saw one of his friends (one I never particularly liked) leaned over the desk/computer.

Being the redhead that I am, I defensively muttered, "What are you doing?"

And that's when he looked up at me, and I realized it wasn't my stepdad's friend.

I completely froze, paralized, unable to speak or even think. I was now wide awake, trying to register what I was looking at: A glowing form of a man. Standing there. Staring back at me. I can only compare it to running a neon glow filter on a picture in photoshop. It's just eerie and creepy...

Tell me he wouldn't creep you out in the dark...??

All of that is what came rushing over me the other night - and not because I saw another ghost. But because there's this guy... [Why do all the stories start off this way??] A neighbor of mine.

When the kiddos & I moved into our new house (not new new, but new for us), I wanted to be friendly so I said "hi" to my neighbors, introduced myself, etc. You know, just being neighborly.

But this one guy just gives me the creeps. That feeling I ended with here.

He's older than I, and I think I met his girlfriend when I met him. And then I met his daughter (who is probably my age or a bit younger) another time. I don't think either of the women live there. Just him.

One day when I was running late taking the kids to school, he stopped me and starting asking what I do for work, etc. I was in a rush, so I tried to answer quickly (but politely) and brushed him off.

Then I got a friend request on Facebook (I know. I know. Why does nothing go on without Facebook these days). I didn't recognize the name, but he was kind enough to include a message with his request: "Hi, neighbor!"

My initial response [My Voice. My Intuition. God & Jiminy - all] said, "Okay... That's creepy. Did he search out every 'Camille' til he found me??" We don't have any mutual friends... and "WHY was he trying to find me on Facebook anyway?" [creepy]

But then something else chimmed in, "Now, Camille. What if he's like you: just kinda new here, doesn't know many people, just trying to make some friends."

So I accepted the friend request.

After all, it was from an actual person I had met in person - not some random cyber person, right?

Then he started sending me private messges. "Hello neighbor... Just thought I'd say hi." Granted, this doesn't sound very threatening... but why send it in a private message?? Why not post it on my wall like all my other friends? There was nothing too personal in that to put out there in the land of Facebook.

I think I responded with a short, "wud up" - to send the message, "Yes, I'm too young for you, and I have nothing to say."

I thought he got the hint, b/c he didn't reply to my childish lingo.

Then, two days later, "How are you? Ready for Christmas?"

This time I just ignored it and him all together.

[Now, I know what you're thinking... Still not freezing in your boots scary stuff here. But bare with me.]

So I ignored the second private message that was just too personal to post on my wall...

Then one day (I think on a Sunday or maybe on Christmas day or something) I went outside to start my car to let it warm up. I sat there waiting for it to warm up, but it wasn't two seconds after my car cranked that *Creepy* (as he will now be known) opened his door and walked outside - in pajamas, mind you - to go "check the mail". Did I mention that it was a day the mail hadn't run??

Another day after I had just returned home, Creepy walked his "trash" (which consisted of maybe a piece of paper) to the dump - which you have to walk past the length of my house to get to. Who takes a piece of scrap paper to the dump?

[The chilling part's coming. I promise. You are reading this for a purpose.]

I started to just avoid him in general: ignore his random comments on my status updates, not look in the direction of his abode, etc.

Then one night, as soon as I turned the upstairs light on to retire to my bed [Let me throw in: The light & window is directly in Creepy's line of vision from his apartment, behind my house], I got yet another private message. "Hi. How are you? How was your Christmas?"

Yes, this is what made me freeze in my bed two nights ago.

The timing between me turning on the light and his sending the message just couldn't be a coincidence. Now I really felt as if I was being watched. He knew I was home, and the fact that I was alone made me wonder if he knew that, too.

Last night I decided to test my theory out, to be sure I wasn't just being paranoid.

I got home late, prepared to watch my latest redbox: locked the door, put the dvd in, went upstairs (turned on the "signal" light), went to the restroom, sat down on the couch, and checked my phone.

Yep.

There it was.

Another message from Creepy in 308C.

Only this time, he sent seven messages in a row.

"hi"

"how are you"

That's it! As they started flowing in, I was on the phone with my brother, telling him to get to my house stat - and bring a weapon!

When he got there, the messages continued til 12AM:

"how are you"

"?"

"having a good night?"

"?"

"maybe we should talk sometime"

Feeling - and knowing - you're being watched is such an unnerving experience. I can finally relate to the stupid blondes in the horror movies - only I'm not running around half naked to ease the terror. I'm also not sure if I have an ending to my story yet...

Bro spent the night to protect me, and Creepy's truck was gone before I left for work this morn. I'm hoping the over-night "manly looking" truck gave him a less subtle hint to back the f*ck off.

I also promptly deleted Creepy as a "friend" on Facebook - and have shared my story with not only you people... but several people in real life, who know where Creepy lives and have seen his picture.

I'm hoping there isn't going to be a Part 3 to this.

I don't want to be scared to go home.

Part 1: Call it Intuition, God or Jiminy Cricket.

I've come to learn that I should have listened to that Voice inside me more in the past. It's strange and miraculous how it works, if you think about it - but it does work (which I guess is the miraculous part).

You know that Voice. I know you do. It's the silent screams that tell you, "You shouldn't be here" when you've gotten yourself into a bad situation. Or maybe it encourages and urges you on when you start to doubt yourself: "You got this! Just go for it!"

My poor Voice has been neglected and silenced more times than I care to remember... or admit... maybe, especially admit.

But no matter how stubborn and defiant I've been - or how many times I've glossed over the signs because they weren't as I had planned - It's still with me.

And one fun feature Our Voice has is a radar for people. I'm not talking about your Gaydar (which I think must have a few kinks in, because there are a few exes I swear need to come out of the closet.... but that's another post entirely).

I'm talking about that split-second decision of an impression you get when you meet someone for the first time. Not the overwhelmingly interested one, where you feel drawn to someone (though that one's pretty cool, too). I'm talkin about the other one: The immediate repulsion you can taste with all your senses just being around someone. And it comes over you for no real reason at all. You just know that you don't like someone, and you don't necessarily know why.

I love that feeling.

Well, not the actual feeling itself - I generally feel a little guilty for being so judgemental prior even having anything to judge - but the notion that it's there to begin with. I believe it to be there for a reason... to protect us... and I love that.

Which leads me to: Part 2.

Movies That Did NOT Make the Cut

Step Up 3(D)

I love dance movies more than any 29 year old should admit (you know, cause they're usually centered around teens... for some reason - I swear we can still move like *that* at *our age*). But, Step Up 3(D), you have failed me.

Forego the fact that the movie just didn't "flow" and the story line was "eh" .... Even the dancing was hard to watch on its own. I think it was too "choreographed for 3D" to be impressive at home. Sure, there was some good stuff in there - but I look for AMAZING! I want to be WOW'd. I want to feel it in my soul, just watching them dance. And that just didn't happen. :(

Also, can I just add: The main hottie, Rick Malambri, just does NOT "fit" - I'm sorry, but he just doesn't look *right* with his hat kicked to the side. I'm not buying it. Maybe it's his acting - I don't know - but he just looked awkward/uncomfortable.


Love & Distrust

Painful.

Painful is the word I'd use to describe watching this movie. I admit, I didn't even make it all the way through to see all the "stories" - yes, it was that bad. I kept hoping the lives of the 8 strangers would somehow be entangled in some 6 Degrees kinda way (and maybe I didn't make it far enough into the movie to find out).

I think I originally rented it b/c Rob was in it, but I'm not even sure he spoke in this movie. I think he just looked at the ground and whenced and smiled here and there - which I guess is sort of his definition of "acting" anyway.... I'm sorry to say, but I prefer him as a 100-something year old vampire lusting after what could be his great granddaughter.

Painful.

Just Painful.

Ready to Eat Pray Love

I hit up the RedBox & finally watched Eat Pray Love last night. I was told it was horrible, so I avoided it for a while, thinking it was going to be boring.

But can I just tell you: Loved it! My kinda movie. My kinda life.

I'm not a huge Julia Roberts fan (something about her mouth just bugs me... but I almost didn't notice in this movie).

Watching it, I guess I felt a connection to Liz and saw myself somewhere in her character. I've always longed for some guy and thought my perfect relationship would make it all... well, perfect. Why couldn't we "find ourselves" together? And that's exactly what I think happened in all my past relationships: We found ourselves right on out of there.

Sure, there were moments when I'd rid myself of my latest knight in shining facade and have an epiphany... But the time in between was always brief before I'd lose myself in someone else yet again. I never took the time to just be happy being and finding *me*.

Of course, now "me" consists of three, so I can't very well delve into the same kind of self-discovery travel as EPL.... but all our journeys are different anyway, right? We all have our own lessons in this life. And I am finally excited and thrilled to be experiencing mine, in this very moment. (But I could sure go for some Italian!)

And, yes, sometimes I still get hopeless romantic-y and envision what it will be like when I meet THE ONE - wondering when/how it'll be, etc... [According to a psychic I talked to once, I'll be "in my thirties" - so somewhere within the next 10 years] But it's not in a desperate, Veruca Salt "I Want It Now!" kinda way. Instead, I send out light & love as I ponder the thought, and then I let it go. ;)

Then I smile with gratitude for all the soul mates I have already.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

"A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

"A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

- Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat Pray Love)

His. Mine. & The Truth

I have been cheated on by every boyfriend I've ever had.

Yes... every boyfriend.

It goes without saying, I'm sure, that I'm the common denominator.

So it must be "me" or something I did.

But, still, THEY cheated on ME... Not the other way around. I am the naive little twit who has yet to experience the form of guilt that comes from being unfaithful. I've always been more of a battered dog who sticks around after the fact, hoping I can put the pieces back together. Because I'm a fixer, and I can fix anything. Right??

This is why my blood boils when I hear family members and/or friends of theirs rave about what a saint these unfortunate gentlemen who have dated me are. I can literally feel the anger to my core.

"I'm glad you think my brother deserves some happiness for all the hurt you put him through! Since you obviously can't take a hint let me spell it out for you... My brother has forgiven you because he's got a big heart like that, and I love him for it. But me? You hurt my brother to the diabolical extreme, the way YOU did. You're on my shit list for life. Keep your name OFF my family members' pages. I don't wanna see your name or your stupid comments."

Wow.

Words cannot describe the mixture of rage and pain building inside right now as I reread that blow. A part of me wants to comment back on the irony of her defending her brother's honor and bringing up words like "faithful" in the same breath, when there was a time I was forgiving him for his indiscretions with, not only his ex-fiancé at the time, but some other chick whose name I didn't even know, as well.

[And those are just the ones he told me about.]

Yes, I see... I'm the bitch who ended the relationship. My fault. Completely. It's so big of him to have given me his forgiveness.

Ironic.

I really despise when people open their mouths without knowing the whole story. But most people don't choose to dispel their own fault in things, do they? No, most people play the martyr and caress their violin for their friends and family - which is odd, being as these are the people who are supposed to be the most accepting of us, right? We can't tell them the truth... What will they think of us?!.

So here I am, The Devil Incarnate, blogging about it... instead of tearing the wings and halo from this girl's faux perception of her brother for the world to view. But I imagine her devotion to her brother is much like mine to my family: nothing and no one can shake it. So let her have him cloaked in gold, wearing a robe. What good would it really do to point out that he is a mere mortal and actually made mistakes in this life?

Sure, my ego would boast with pride and a "we showed her" - but only temporarily.

Then what?

Then I've dished out the diabolical cruelty I've been labeled with.

Besides, as one of my grandmothers once told me... There are three sides to every story:

His. Mine. & The Truth.